All I Can Do
by Coincidental Confusion
Summary: Ruki remembers how it all started. ReitaxRuki
1. Chapter 1

-1**All I Can Do**

What if...

all I can do is wonder? Wonder if you loved me even half as much as I completely adored you?

My heart sped up, just before you rounded that corner to face me. I knew you were there, no matter how quietly your feet fell upon the ground. A smile graced your lips, silently reassuring me that you didn't think horribly of me, like how I imagined you did sometimes. It's really a shame you had to ruin it with...

"What's up, midget?" you teased, I remember. I always remembered. Oh god how I hated that nickname. I AM NOT A FUCKING MIDGET. I felt like I really needed to make that clear, even though I knew you didn't mean it. Besides, if I ever really got annoyed, I could always just make fun of that ridiculous napkin over your nose...sorry, I didn't mean that. It's sexy. Really.

And, of course, instead of ignoring you, I had to say something.

"You're an ass, Reita." I didn't mean that either. Again, I think you knew that.

But it was exchanges like these that really made me wonder if you... liked me. More than a buddy to go drinking with at two in the morning, more than your best friend who always beats you at Super Smash Bros. I wasn't desperate for your love, I was just curious. It was the kind of love that wasn't eating me whole, the kind that wasn't something that was unbearable. After all, we were busy with our tour. And really, who in the world has time for a relationship, or even a crush when you have a tour to attend to?

Still, I couldn't help but wonder.

The rest of the band didn't help, they all somehow figured out my secret. (I got teased about that big time, by the way. I had to bitch slap Uruha when he said, "Awww the midget looooves band-aid man!") There were more than a few occasions where I was left locked in an enclosed space with you, well I'm sure you remember. You were there. To this day, I still firmly believe that I heard snickering from the other side of that retched door!

Anyway, as time went on, the more of my mind you took over. It was strange. Fanservice wasn't exactly fanservice anymore. It was...Rukiservice. _I_ enjoyed it more than the fans _ever_ could. And, of course, I still couldn't help but to wonder, to let my mind stray to sensual scenes starring...you. Suzuki Akira. You are the dirtiest angel I have ever seen.

After months of rubbing against you at every chance I could get (on stage and off), you had consumed my entire mindset. I noticed every little thing about you; how you had changed, no matter how little. Much to my delight, you had stopped calling me midget. Hoooray! But did you call me Ruki-sama like I had recommended all band members to address me? Well...no. You called me...Ru-chan. It was a step up from midget. And that's all that counts.

Now this is the point where I felt cautious. The sudden change in my nickname had spurred so many ideas in this twisted little head of mine. It was far too easy to convince myself that you had feelings for me. But I didn't want to get my hopes up, and that's the truth. I thought that being alone would hurt less if I accepted that you didn't feel the same way about me sooner than later. Besides, I didn't even know if you...played for the same team that I do. Get what I mean?

Each night, and even each day for that matter, all I could do was wonder.


	2. Chapter 2

-1All I Can Do - Chapter Two

There was this one day...

where all I could do was rest. Kai wouldn't _let _me do anything else. Being on tour and all, well, it was exhausting. Not only that, but my resistance was down because of it. Remember when I kept sneezing into the soup that Kai made us all? He was so pissed, but you could tell that he was worried about me because he just sent me to my room and started yelling at Aoi instead. I was sick.

I spent hours just staring at my ceiling. I wasn't tired, just exhausted...if that makes any sense at all. Blegh, I hate snot. The damn stuff just wouldn't stop flowing out of my nose. Jesus where was it all coming from?!

I was expecting to see Kai when the door opened slowly, as if the person entering was trying not to wake me, had I been asleep. It wasn't Kai. Making an effort to contain the ever so persistent hammering in my chest, (I was sure you could hear it from where you were positioned in my doorway) I wiped some...material from my nose with the inside of my sleeve. God I just felt so incredibly disgusting.

"Re--" my voice cut off, replaced with insistent coughing and heaving, which honestly, was kind of embarrassing only because you were there.

"Jesus Ru-chan." That voice. I had dreamt about it countless times, and I had heard it take on an angry pitch, a bothered one, or like now...a gentle, soothing one. It's like you just smoothed all the creases in my body and soul right there. You handed me a mug of green tea. I knew that the mug itself had to be hotter than the very depths of hell while the handle was just slightly warm, but still, when you extended it to me, you held onto the blazing hot part, so that I could grab the handle. You might not have meant anything by it, but that just seemed like something right out of a romance novel in my book.. Just one sip, and my throat felt so much better.

I pretended to be distracted by the steaming liquid, but don't you worry. I'd never ignore you. You moved only slightly, plopping into that old, stained armchair right next to the bed. You were staying with me. Why?

"Reita, you could get sick."

"Well at least it would give me an excuse to sleep in then, wouldn't it?" you laughed, forcing me to chuckle awkwardly

There was a long pause when you just sat there staring at the wall while I sipped my tea.

"So how are you feeling, Ruki?" First of all, you had just changed my name again. Whatever happened to Ru-chan? If you kept this up, I'd have you calling me Ruki-sama in no time at all! Second, I was back to wondering. Why were you actually staying here? You earlier justification of "well I might get sick, which means I can sleep in" really just didn't cut it. And last...I love you.

For a second, I thought I had accidentally said that last part out loud, because you were staring at me, your eyes questioning my every move.

I remembered at that moment that you had asked a question. "I'm feeling fine," I lied. You didn't seem convinced, so I smiled softly, promising that I'd be fine, even if I wasn't now. Your expression softened, but not into contentment. You looked almost...disturbed.

"...Rei, is something wrong?" I coughed. I took another swig of the tea, once again calming my throat.

You thought for a moment two before you spoke. "Have you ever loved someone so much that you just really can't stop thinking about them for even a second of your day? And it just hurts so much because they're way out of your league?"

I think I might have been gaping at this point. My heart dropped down into my stomach for a couple of reasons. For one, you loved someone else. I couldn't have you. The other was because...yes I knew _exactly _what that kind of thing felt like...and you were right. It hurts more than anything in the world.

"Yeah I know what you mean, Rei..." My eyes were stinging. I couldn't cry. I _wouldn't. _Not in front of you. "So what about it?"

"Ruki, I think I'm in love."

I turned away, pretending to fix my blankets as I choked down the ball of grief in my throat. "Are you going to tell me who?" I was trying to keep the bitterness and jealousy out of my voice, which resulted in the pitch coming out a bit high.

You seemed to struggle for just the right words. "Maybe eventually, Ruki." You raised yourself from the cushions of the chair. You were going to leave me now. How appropriate. "Just know that she's very... pretty." As you stalked towards the door, I couldn't even read the mess of emotions on your face. There was definately anguish there, maybe some anger...but another part looked like it was laughing at some kind of inside joke. "Feel better, Ruki. Okay?"

I smiled up at you, nodding faster than usual, hoping my face would blur and you'd miss the traces of tears in my eyes.

The door clicked shut and I surprised myself when I found that I wasn't able to cry. It just made me more angry, because usually crying helps the pain. I guess I just laid there for a while...until, again, all I could do was rest.


End file.
